Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Annie: weigh-in week 28

You should have seen it last night at my kitchen table: Annie, Mae, and The Faithful Mo, together for the first time since... well, over 80 pounds ago, between us!  That we were eating home fries with turkey gravy is irrelevant.  :o)

Last week started out poorly after the nonsense gain on Monday morning -- that was all it took to steal my resolve for a few days (well, that and a bit of craziness at work). I was able to get my act back together Wednesday, though, and it's a good thing I did, because The Faithful Mo arrived on Thursday and would have had none of it!  Ha.

I was chatting with her about the periodic lapses I've been having since Christmas, and had to face the fact that what I'm doing here is not finding a cure for my eating disorder -- I'm finding ways to cope. If this sounds familiar it's because I've "realized" this a couple of times in recent months, in different terms - but this time for some reason, the "foreverness" of the struggle seems more real. And, quite honestly, a bit depressing.

What was NOT depressing this week?

My very first run outside, with my own personal pace bunny! The Faithful Mo took me outside on a beautiful Easter Sunday morning run; it was my first day at walk 1 - run 7, and though I doubted I'd last, I did.  We actually covered 5K, so I now believe I'll be able to do it on race day.  It was huge to have her there with me, supporting me, encouraging me, telling me to slow down sometimes so I wouldn't flame out. And when I finished the last set, I got a big hug and a high-ten on the sidewalk!  :o)

In the end: a great, encouraging, healthy, restorative long weekend. Thanks Mo!

Loss this week: 2.2
Lost so far: 66.2
Still remaining: 33.8
Activity points earned this week: 21
Weeks to go: 24

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Annie: weigh-in week 27


There is no reason for this - I left 31 bonus points on the table, and earned 28 activity points that I didn't use, either.

I was weighing myself all week, and as of last Wednesday, was actually DOWN a pound - stayed down that pound all week, and then was mysteriously up on Monday.

Double-checked on Tuesday morning just in case it had been some kind of mirage, but nope - it's real.

As I said to The Faithful Mo in an email this morning, maybe it's my gigantic leg muscles, haha!  Sunday night was my first crack at walk 2 run 6 (x3), and while it wasn't easy, I managed it - and felt great afterwards. In fact, I felt great right up until I stepped on the scale Monday morning.


GAIN this week: 1.1
Lost so far: 64
Still remaining: 36
Activity points earned this week: 28
Weeks to go: 25

Monday, April 11, 2011

Annie: weigh-in week 26

Wow - it's been half a year.

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday with an old friend who is planning a WW adventure of her own in the next little while - we talked about food, and the program, and running, on top of all the usual topics. (The "usual topics" are what our kids were up to, on their play date happening at all points in my house!)

Over tea, we chatted about our challenges. She seems inspired by the success I've been having, and I am inspired that she's motivated to get healthier, even though she's currently just over my GOAL weight! Smart people get in control before things get so bad that they have 100 lbs to lose - I get that now, and admire her for it.  :o)

I know more about the WW program, but she knows more about running, so we'll be in good position to support each other as she gets underway!

It's funny to think about how I'm only halfway through the year, but a fair bit beyond the half-way mark on the weight loss goal I had set for The Thanksgiving Project. It's a good thing it's worked out this way, because I know the early pounds go much more quickly than the later ones... it's good to know I have a bit of progress in-hand for when the next plateau comes.

What else is funny, is that I feel like I'm almost there. I mean, I know I'm not: I still have 35 pounds to go, and that's a lot. And even then, my goal weight is a goal weight set by my doctor given my body shape, and well above the recommended "healthy" BMI for my height.  So really, I'm not "almost there" by any objective measure.

But I have to say, I am feeling so good right now. I feel fit, I feel pretty, and I feel like I'm in control.

It feels good!

I hope I have a while to enjoy this before the next plateau.  :o)

Loss this week: 2.9
Lost so far: 65.1
Still remaining: 34.9
Activity points earned this week: 18
Weeks to go: 26

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Annie: the way people talk

I know I've posted here before about how it annoys me that it's still socially OK, in many circles, to judge/look down on overweight people... because fundamentally, others believe it's "their fault."

And, for most of us, it is.

It is my fault that I ate far more than I should have. It is my fault that I chose far more bad-for-me foods than good-for-me foods. It is my fault that I exercised far less than I should have.

I'm not perfect. But neither is anyone else - it just happens that my particular brand of imperfection is visible from the outside, and makes me unattractive in addition to unhealthy.

Mae posted a while back about feeling judged for her size by the smokers standing outside her office building. To her mind, the smokers weren't in any position to judge, because they were engaging in behaviour that was just as bad for them as overweight - despite knowing the likely consequences. 

If they were judging her, she was right. But not just because they were smokers.

Crossing the magic line

When I lost all my weight in 2003, I remember specifically noticing the first time I heard people start talking insultingly about a fat person behind her back. I had lost just about 40 lbs, and was, in fact, about the same weight I am now.

I was at the office, when a friend of mine (still a friend, but not one who reads this blog) started talking about someone from another floor who had put on a fair amount of weight in a relatively short period of time.

"Oh my God, have you seen her? Awful! How could she allow that to happen?"

I remember thinking: "I'm standing right here. Can't you see me? Why are you talking like that in front of me?"

And then, it struck me: I'd crossed the magic line from hideously fat (judge-worthy) to stocky (within eyeshot of "normal," anyway). I had reached the weight when not-hideously-fat people thought of me as one of them again... and, I guess, assumed I would now judge very overweight people too, since I had "done something" about my weight.

It reminded me of a SNL skit from the 80s, when Eddie Murphy disguised himself as a white man and discovered the secret life of white people (when there aren't any black people around). Here's the only clip I could find on YouTube - it's from right before the white bank manager offers "white" Eddie Murphy free money when he's just applying for a loan:

I was now one of "us," not "them."

That friend wasn't the only person in my life who suddenly felt comfortable speaking disparagingly of fat people in my presence. Another resumed her habit of referring to people she considered lazy as "big fat lazy" people, or people she considered stupid as "big fat stupid" people, whether they were actually fat or not. Fat and lazy and stupid go together, right? If you're fat, you must be lazy and stupid, because otherwise why wouldn't you just go ahead and lose all that weight?

Other times, it would be someone pointing out a fat woman in a food court eating french fries or something that wouldn't help her situation. "She really shouldn't be eating that..."

Of course, it's true, she shouldn't have been eating that. But then again, food court food isn't great for any of us - and we all do other things that are bad for us, too. Smoking, drinking, jaywalking, not enough exercise, too much exercise, too much sunlight, aargh! But we all engage in unhealthy behaviours because we're in denial about their catching up with us.

Those who are addicted to something, whether it's smoking or drinking or eating, are out of control of their behaviour, which makes it even more gutting to them. Before I was able to get my program going, I thought about my weight, and its implications on me and my family, any time my mind was free. I felt guilty, and less valuable as a human being, and selfish, and weak. It was awful, and you have to believe that if I had been able to reverse the problem sooner, I would have done it. No-one chooses to feel that way. No-one chooses food over self-worth - consciously, at least.

When you've never struggled (in a significant way) to control your weight, or with a food addiction, you can't understand what's involved in getting in control of it. As you know if you read this blog at all regularly, my number one cheerleader is the Faithful Mo - she's always there encouraging me, and helping me believe I can do it. But she knows that she doesn't understand what I battle just to do what comes more easily to her (eating well, exercising as a lifestyle).

Similarly, I can't understand why a smoker would ever want to smoke. And because I don't understand it, I can't (or shouldn't) just say that since others have quit smoking, you should be able to or you're a bad person.

If your smoking is anything like my food addiction, you think about your smoking and the risks and the problems and the judgment of others all the time. It makes you miserable sometimes, likely, and you would love to quit. But you can't figure out how.

But even with that said, smokers are still generally viewed with less disdain than fat people - by most. If you don't believe me, count up the number of smokers among Hollywood stars and supermodels, and compare it to the number of fat people.

And even among the ranks of non-celebrities, most people recognize that cigarettes are chemically addictive - so "it's harder" to quit smoking than to lose weight.


I'm still me

I was hurt that day in the office, because I realized that people (maybe even including my friend) had most likely been talking or at least thinking that way about me before I'd lost my weight. I tried to take it as a compliment that they no longer saw me that way, but I couldn't. Because whether fat or fit, I am the same person. Judging me "then" is the same as judging me "now." I have the same weaknesses - I just happen to be having more success right now dealing with them.

Losing weight doesn't make you suddenly disdain people who haven't been able to find their answer; it gives you more sympathy for them. You wish you could share your answer with them, but you know that you can't: everyone has to find their own.

A couple of weeks ago, I reached that line again, with my current weight battle. I was at a dinner with an ignorant person (demonstrated over time, not just this one incident!), who started talking, out of the blue, about a friend who keeps complaining about how she needs to lose weight, but then eats terribly.

Would this topic have been raised in my presence 62.2 pounds ago? Unlikely - even this person isn't quite that ignorant. So here I am again, back "in disguise" as a closer-to-normal-than-hideous person, now privvy to the comments about and judgments of those lazy, fat and apparently stupid people who eat too many cookies and then can't figure out how to lose weight.

I don't really have a moral here; this post doesn't have a "teachable moment" particularly. I just happened to notice that here again, at this weight, I'm back to hearing fitter people make mean comments about fatter people, because it's acceptable to do so.

You know what? I think I've just discovered the only thing about being fat that I'll actually miss.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Annie: weigh-in week 25

Well, this is quite a roller-coaster ride I am on - hopefully things will settle back down for me, now that I seem (fingers crossed!) to be healthy again.

And while this week, and last week, and the week before that all seem ridiculous weight-loss wise, consider this: I am down 7 pounds from 4 weeks ago, which is just about what I would expect in normal times. So one way or another, things seem to work out as they should, once the rest of the noise is taken out of the equation.

I have a couple of things I want to explore here - but no time tonight. I hope to get back to them later in the week. In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed for me: tomorrow is my first attempt at walk 4, run 4. Eek!

Loss this week: 8.7
Lost so far: 62.2
Still remaining: 37.8
Activity points earned this week: 20
Weeks to go: 27

Mae: Still kickin' around

Annie knows (I hope!) that my irregular posting lately is not due to a lack of interest or anything of that sort. But life is pretty, pretty crazy right now, and I just have not had a whole lot of time for writing. I weighed today and I'm down 22.2 pounds from when I started. Wahoo! I'm home sick today and too tired and lazy to do the math. : ) 

Annie, I had a forest morning roll on a whim on Saturday and it was the highlight of the week. Must do the Domo!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Annie: Even Tim's is on board!

Note: this is our 100th post!    :o)

I realized this evening as I rolled up the rim on my Tim's cup that even the Tim's gods are conspiring to help me stick to my program.

Over the course of the current campaign, I've rolled about 10 or 12 winners - all coffee! No cookies, no donuts.

Thanks, Tim's!