This week, I learned something about myself: I will always have an eating disorder.
I don't want to disrespect alcoholics by suggesting my challenge is equivalent to theirs, because I know that it isn't, at all.
But there are some similarities -- and one seems to be that once you have an addiction problem, you will always have an addiction problem.
Saturday was kind of wild at my house - as many Saturdays are. We were busy, busy, busy - errands, people to see, grocery shopping to do, treadmill to enjoy (ha! that's actually true!) - and by suppertime, I had only managed to eat 4 PP (partly because fruits are now free, and I'd only had fruit for breakfast before treadmilling).
So I started thinking about how I've been jonesing for pizza for some time now -- not having had pizzeria pizza since this Thanksgiving Project began. I figured there's no better time than when you have almost your whole day's points allotment intact -- not to mention 35 weekly points still in the bank and 15 activity points earned -- to splurge a bit.
Boston Pizza got the call -- I mean, if it's going to be once in 5 months, you want to make it worth the points, right? Right.
I had more than enough PP to have a whole small pepperoni pizza to myself. I gave Child a piece - so that was even better. The pizza was everything I'd remembered and imagined, and I loved it. Well worth the PP.
The problem was, it didn't stop there.
It was like I was in a trance. I went from the pizza to the chocolate chip cookies Child and I had made that afternoon (I've been baking throughout this project, and have never once been tempted enough to taste any of it), to a small popcorn WITH BUTTER at the movies that night. (I had a diet Coke with the popcorn, but by that point, it was pretty much academic.)
As I rounded the clubhouse turn on the popcorn, I started to feel really awful. And I'm not talking about guilt: I'm talking about my gut. It was like there was a big stone in it, and I didn't even want to think how much fun it'd be digesting that thing.
While I expected to be awake all night with stomach acid, I actually slept pretty well. But then, when I awoke, it was like I'd been time-warped back to pre-Thanksgiving.
My face was very oily.
I was having hot flashes.
I felt fat and ugly.
It was only one night, but it had me feeling like I hadn't gained any ground at all. Sunday was a day for austerity measures - I left 15 PP on the table, for penance as much as in the hopes of evening things out.
I've been reading Jeff Garlin's My footprint: carrying the weight of the world, about his battle with food addiction, and in the chapter I read later that day, he reflected on a meditation from the Pritikin Longevity Center about how food addicts can't ever let their guard down; that the next binge is only a moment away.
I've written here before about how I once lost 75 pounds to get to my goal weight - only to almost immediately gain it back. Since then, I've realized that I hadn't really changed my lifestyle that time around -- I'd let it be a diet, and that's why it didn't last.
Had you asked me last week, I'd have said this time was different. It's been five months, I've slain those demons, and I'm not at risk of succumbing to binges anymore.
But clearly, I'd have been wrong. Again.
Even once I get to my goal (and I will!), I will always have to be vigilant.
Loss this week: 0.9
Lost so far: 55.2
Still remaining: 44.8
Activity points earned this week: 15
Weeks to go: 30