Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Annie: weigh-in week 41

As expected, this week's weigh-in reflects a re-settling of the water stores. Interestingly (to me), I was even down another 2 lbs for a few days last week, before re-gaining them (and the additional 0.6) for weigh-in yesterday. What a strange system.

Could the wee gain also be partially related to the TWO movies I attended over the weekend, at EACH of which I consumed a small bag of movie popcorn, at about a kajillion milligrams of sodium apiece? Possibly! Worth it? As my idol Sarah Palin would say, "you betcha!"

[Permission to commence flaming in the comments.]

I had the Points headroom for the popcorn, so I just entered it and enjoyed it. If the sodium did actually contribute to water gain, it'll be gone by next week. It's surprising how OK I've become with that.

A few notes from this week.

1. As much as I'm a blowhard about all this here, hidden by my blog, I'm still humiliated by this whole thing.

I've only revealed this blog to people I trust not to judge me.

It's a funny thing - anyone who looked at me a year ago (and even a few months ago) could have told you I had an unhealthy approach to feeding myself. It was no secret, it was visible to the naked eye. So why is it so humiliating to admit to?

You might say: people will be supportive of your efforts to deal with your problem.
I might say: yes, but they'll still be thinking of me as a person with a weakness they don't have, and will judge me for it.

You might say: people think about your weight far less than you think they do.
I might say: probably true, but that has absolutely no impact on how I feel about anything.

You might say: but you've lost almost 100 pounds! You're not that person anymore!
I would definitely say: I am exactly that same person; I just wear smaller clothes now.

It's a long, long road to being OK with all this... which leads me to note #2.

2. Say what you will about Oprah, she is very brave when it comes to her struggles with food, and deserves a huge amount of respect. 

I don't watch Oprah as a rule, but I saw ads for yesterday's show last week and wasn't going to miss it: it was 100 of her viewers who've each lost more than 100 lbs, having been inspired by something they saw on her show.

She kicked off the show with a retrospective about her own struggle with her weight and with food addiction, in a way that I appreciated for its candour. Given my hang-ups about admitting to my weight, my weight problem, and my food issues, especially given that I don't have an entire industry of tabloid "journalists" and comedians making it their careers to publicly ridicule me for my failings, I can't imagine what balls it must take for her to talk openly about it. Wow.

But then...

3. I wish Oprah would change her language about weight.

As she described her guests' struggles with their weight, Oprah used language like "her weight ballooned to...". I would have expected Oprah to understand how words can hurt. Or maybe I'm just too sensitive.

4. I don't see my weight loss the way other "big losers" seem to.

In that same show, Oprah talked with selected guests about their own weight losses, and each time, showed their "before" pictures. As she discussed their accomplishments and journeys, she asked them what they would tell that person in the "before" picture, and most said something along the lines of "if you don't deal with this, you're going to die."

That's not what I'd tell 90-pounds-ago me, though it's very possibly true.

I'd tell the smiling woman in my "before" pictures "you feel alone, but you're not."  Though I have always been surrounded by people who love and support and value me, being that big was the loneliest feeling I've ever had.

Nowadays, I don't feel that way as much - I think I "blend in" better with the rest of the population... visually, at least. But I'm not really one of them: I still struggle with food every single day, regardless of my size.

I am a very fat girl in a less-fat body.  Will that ever change? I've no idea.

Time will tell, I guess.

GAIN this week: 0.6
Lost so far: 89.2
Still remaining: 10.8
Activity points earned this week: 38
Weeks to go: 11

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